A girl lost

I’m looking out of the window again… I don’t know how long I have been watching this world pass me by. I feel in the wrong place again. In the wrong life.

I look in the mirror again, unsure who is gazing back.. it all becomes a blur again as I feel myself scream inside. I’m walking the dog again, my steps don’t seem my own again as I take the wrong path again. I sit and eat again, surrounded by the noise.. I’m screaming in my head again but instead I just nod.
I walk around the house I built… the life I built… the warm nest I created. A far cry from the upbringing I had. I grasp at the feeling of security when all I want to do is leap.
I’m thinking of another life again… far from my home. Where my real life is. Where I know I am destined. But the destiny is not yet possible.
I seethe at my friends again, at my family at my life… I want to be part of something new.
I am searching… always searching. But still I stare into the empty bath as I take a shower.. music of waves and imagine what could be. The waterfall I am yet to bathe. I dream again of tanned happy people dancing to the music on the beach. I see my face again.. this time happier, darker… my hair is different. Not straight but wild like my heart.
But still I dry in my 3 bed house, on a little street in the place of my childhood. I dry again with the towels I bought for a house I thought I wanted. The blue mocking me, reminding me of the ocean… of a place I may never go.
I feel like crying again, when I feel my life passing me by. The companion I needed now becoming my restraint. My rope tethering me to a life that is not my own.
I feel like i’m gasping again, the tightening around my neck, the heat radiating from my stomach.. the feeling of sadness in my heart. Like a tidal wave I will never see.
I’m not myself again. I feel so lost.
I am not me. I have never been me. I ask myself, the question that strikes my heart often… would I ever be happy? If I was there would I still be searching? Would I one day sit watching the waves from the exotic and miss this life? Or would things make more sense?
What now I ask myself? Do I wait more years.. years of my life in a life I know I do not want.
I hate, because I feel so much. I hate how life had dealt me the cruelest hands, and yet I strive. I want to dust off this cruel life and start again.
But still I live..
2020, we said that is when my new life starts, I almost believe it. I almost see it.
The salt of my tears that of the waves.. I will one day live by. One day.
I feel so lost… my heart feels so full… my mind feels so panicked. So much to do. Can I do it? Will I regret it? Will it be a reality?
I am so tired, I can not search again. It makes my heart hurt more. And yet it is a portal to another life. But the more I search the more it seems to mock me.
I am searching for the feeling of not searching anymore. I am searching for the end of my search. I am searching for the feeling I know to well through longing. The belief that one day, over looking the stars, the waves at my doorstep, the sun kissing my skin and nothing but the here and now. The feeling that I am where I should be. And no where else would I want to be.

Why do I concern myself with worry and stress, concern myself with others life and health. So much so I forget myself. My wants my dreams, my here and now.
I wish again, for a different now. I cry again, for a new tomorrow. I yearn again to no longer be lost but to find my beginning.
Until then I wonder in this life, in this country and dream of the waves.