I do not know why I type, I don’t even know if anyone will ever read this. Sometimes it feels so overwhelming and its the only thing that stops my heart breaking. I look around so unattached to this life. To this country, to my home. I have seen the light. Through travel the dark has been replaced with the unfamiliar.

I see my childhood friends happy with the blind. Happy to have children and stay grounded like trees rooted to the past. I want to fly.
Sometimes I imagine myself a bird soaring high into the clouds away from this life and the dark. Up close to the sun and over the waves. Blue and bright and full of life. Sometimes I imagine myself so far and so cleansed my heart no longer full of bile and longing.
I close my eyes and let the life I want wash over me like waves on a tropical island. I can almost feel the sand. Can almost see the straw hat, the white shirt, the tanned skin.. my bright smile. The lines of worry no longer etching my face. Just a life of exploring. A life of not knowing but knowing more than those ready to shrivel and die. I would blossom.. in the cold they will wilter into a life they feel has corners.. but my existence would be uncontainable. My borders would have no restrictions, only stamps. My walls would have no concrete only wood. My food would have no logo only sand.
I ache for the end of my childhood. I ache to wash away the remnants. I yearn for a new. I yearn for the unexplored.
I see myself dragged down by this life. Dragged down by others and their problems and their life they see so important. And yet the chains I try to break.
I once heard that others lives are tethered to you… like a rope connecting to you… this thought makes me sad… I do not imagine rope but cast iron chains dragging me to become a tree with roots.. down into the earth filling me with heat.. filling me until I can’t breathe. I take a breath now, to try and calm myself down. My heart feels restricted.
I yearn to leave. To start a new. To rebuild without restrictions. I have grasped too much to make a family for the one I lacked that now I have restricted myself to my past. I tried to not let it affect me but instead I have let it change me. I look for the wild stallion, the wild child I once knew. The one that had a whole life of possibilities. But I see only someone of commitment and every day life problems. Where did I go? Where did that young girl go that believed one day I would have no home, would live every day until the next with no regrets. Instead I stay here, regret in my heart and problems in my thoughts and a yearning that can not be filled with this life. A life that is not my own.
I echo those words often and never before have they rung so true, I feel a stranger not just in this country but in my own life. A life I made for myself through need of security. them years ago when I convinced myself I needed to think more and to experience more. Never could I imagine that was the one thing that took the essence of who I am and what I wanted in life. Why did I convince myself that I wanted to stay here? To return to my childhood neighborhood. Surrounded by the fakery of my childhood, the chavs of my school and the people that made my childhood hell?
I need to change things but do not know where to start.
I guess I start with a dream.. 2020.
I start with saving up…
Never have I felt so not in control of my life.